Love languages are an extremely popular way to learn more about yourself, your partner, and what you both need to do to make your relationship a success. They can even be used for platonic relationships or even just to better understand your own needs.
But what are the love languages, and how are they actually useful? In this guide, we explain the history of love languages, what are the five love languages, and how to best use this information in your own relationships.
What Is a Love Language?
A love language is how a person expresses and/or receives love. The term was originally coined by author Gary Chapman (we discuss him more in the next section). There are five love languages:
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
While many people appreciate love being shown in multiple ways, according to Chapman, each person has one primary love language which is the way they prefer to show and receive love. For example, someone whose love language is physical touch would show they care for their partner by hugging them, kissing them, sitting close together, etc. and they would want their partner to act that way towards them as well. You can determine your love language by taking the quiz we created.
Having a primary love language doesn't mean that the other four love languages don't matter to a person. In fact, Chapman stated that people have a secondary love language as well. However, a person's primary love language must be met. If it's not, they won't be satisfied in a relationship, even if their partner shows love often using the other four love languages. To continue the example from above, if a person whose love language is physical touch is with a partner who rarely or never shows them physical affection, no amount of gifts, chores done without asking, or verbal encouragement will make up for the lack of physical touch.
Typically, a person's love language will be the same for both expressing and receiving love, but this isn't always the case. Also, while love languages typically refer to romantic partnerships, they can be used in family and friend relationships as well, and someone might have different love languages for different people close to them.
What Is the History of Love Languages?
The term "love languages" was coined by author Gary Chapman in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Gary Chapman is an American author and radio host who has studied how people act in relationships. Chapman both popularized the term "love language" and developed the list of the five love languages commonly referenced.
Chapman's book has been a long-standing success: over 11 million copies of it have been sold, and it's been translated into 49 languages. Even today, decades after it was first written, it is often one of Amazon's best selling books and has been on the NYT bestseller list multiple times.
Since the publication of the original book, Chapman has written several others on related topics, such as how to use the five love languages as a parent, when apologizing, and in the workplace. The concept of love languages has entered the cultural lexicon, and many people have at least heard of the concept. Some dating apps, such as Bumble and Hinge, also include a prompt where people can state their love language for potential dates to know, so it continues to be popular, even with younger generations.
What Are the 5 Love Languages?
What are the different love languages? Below are descriptions for each of the five love languages. For each love language, we provide a brief explanation, examples of it, how people with this love language feel when it's being met, and how they feel when their love language isn't being met.
#1: Acts of Service
This love language is about showing love by completing tasks for your partner. Someone with this love language feels that, when a partner takes time to do a chore that is necessary but not particularly enjoyable, they're showing how much they care about the relationship and how they want to do what they can to reduce their partner's stress and workload.
- Examples:
- Shoveling snow off the car in the morning.
- Doing your partner's chores when you know they're very busy.
- Completing tasks without needing to be asked.
- Discussing how to divide up work in an equitable way.
- When It's Being Met:
- You have time to accomplish all the tasks you need to and still have time for yourself.
- You feel both you and your partner contribute equally to chores and other tasks.
- You are confident your partner will step up and lighten your load when things become overwhelming.
- You trust your partner to do their chores without needing to be reminded.
- When It's Not Being Met:
- You resent when your partner takes time for relaxation/fun and feel you can't do the same.
- You feel that you do all or most of the work with the house, kids, pets, etc.
- You feel that you must nag or micromanage your partner to get them to help out.
#2: Physical Touch
This is probably the most self-explanatory of the five love languages. Someone with this love language particularly values regular physical contact with their partner. This physical touch doesn't have to be sexual; in fact, it usually isn't. Instead, it's a way to give and receive comfort and be physically reminded of the closeness of the relationship.
- Examples:
- Holding hands.
- Sitting close to each other on the couch.
- Greeting and saying goodbye with a hug and/or kiss.
- When It's Being Met:
- You don't need to ask your partner to be affectionate.
- You trust that you'll be physically comforted when you're struggling.
- You're confident that your partner enjoys being physically close to you.
- When It's Not Being Met:
- You may cling to your partner in an attempt to increase physical contact.
- You don't feel comfortable giving your partner physical affection because you aren't sure how they'll react.
- You wonder if your partner finds you attractive.
#3: Quality Time
People whose love language is quality time need to have in-person contact regularly with their partner. However, sitting on the couch while you both scroll through your phones doesn't cut it. The time spent together must be high-quality (hence the name), which means engaging in conversation, actively listening, and making each other a focus while you're together. Because so many people have such full schedules these days, making time for your partner can be a powerful way to show how much you value them.
- Examples:
- Going out to dinner and making a pact to not look at your phones.
- Trying a new hobby together.
- Setting up a regular date night.
- When It's Being Met:
- You know your partner makes spending time with you a priority, even if you two aren't together as often as you'd like.
- You have your partner's full attention when you are together.
- You trust your partner will make time in their schedule for you when you ask them to.
- When It's Not Being Met:
- You resent when your partner spends time with friends or family members.
- You feel your partner prioritizes things like their work over you.
- Your partner is distracted/not paying attention (i.e. looking at their phone) even when you two do spend time together.
#4: Receiving Gifts
Sometimes people with this love language are accused of being materialistic, but that's not the case. For these people, the monetary value of the gift is not the important part; instead, it's the thought and time that their partner put into choosing it. This makes it very similar to the other love languages. To show any of them requires thoughtfulness and effort, and the end result may be a verbal compliment, a task being completed, or (as in this case) a literal gift being given.
- Examples:
- Giving thoughtful gifts for major events (birthday, holidays, anniversary) that show how well you know your partner.
- Giving spontaneous gifts for no reason.
- Buying your partner their favorite snack, etc. when they've had a hard day.
- When It's Being Met:
- You feel valued and appreciated during days like your birthday, anniversary, etc.
- You know your partner listens when you mention liking or needing a certain item.
- You can see the effort your partner took in choosing the best gift for you.
- When It's Not Being Met:
- You feel your big occasions aren't important to your partner.
- You feel that your partner doesn't think you're worth spending money on.
- You resent when your partner buys him/herself things but not you.
- You feel your partner puts minimal effort into getting you something thoughtful.
#5: Words of Affirmation
Verbal communication is most important for people with this love language, more so than physical acts such as acts of service or physical touch. These people want to be built up by their partner and have someone they can go to for encouragement, advice, and support.
- Examples:
- Giving compliments.
- Expressing appreciation for your partner.
- Saying "I love you."
- Encouraging your partner, especially when they are struggling.
- When It's Being Met:
- You know you can go to your partner for support and/or a confidence boost.
- You feel communication is strong between you and your partner.
- When It's Not Being Met:
- You have to prompt your partner to give you compliments.
- You worry your partner doesn't like or appreciate you.
- You feel that your partner doesn't think about you much.
How Can You Use the 5 Love Languages in Your Life?
Now that you know about love languages, how can you actually use them in your life? The biggest value the five love languages bring is helping partners get on the same page about expectations.
There's a common misconception that people need to date others with the same love language in order for a relationship to work or that you need to change your love language to match your partner's. This is untrue. It can sometimes be easier for two people with the same love language to get along in a relationship because it's more obvious how they can meet their partner's needs, but any pairing of love languages can be successful.
When you and your partner know each other's love languages, you'll have a better understanding of what the other wants and needs from the relationship. When love languages aren't being taken into account, someone could be putting in a lot of effort into a relationship, but their partner might not realize it because their love language isn't being met. Let's take an example of a couple named Tai and Ellen. Tai's love language is words of affirmation, while Ellen's is quality time. Before understanding each other's love languages, Tai might regularly send Ellen happy, encouraging messages and put a lot of effort into saying how much he values the relationship, how great Ellen is, etc. However, Ellen may still feel that her needs aren't being met if Tai doesn't make enough time in his schedule for her quality time need to be met. Similarly, Ellen may make lots of plans for the two of them to do things together, but Tai may still miss hearing compliments and encouragement from Ellen.
The solution isn't for either to change who they are or what they need from a relationship. Instead, they need to be aware of their partner's love language and work to meet it. This could mean Tai setting up a weekly date night so Ellen feels they're spending enough time together and Ellen regularly telling Tai how much he means to her.
Meeting someone's love language doesn't mean the relationship won't encounter any problems and, like all relationship advice, it needs to be used with frequent and honest communication. However, understanding love languages and, specifically, the love languages of the people you care the most about can help ensure you're helping those people feel loved and valued.
Summary: What Are the Love Languages?
What are the love languages? A love language is a person's preferred way to express and receive love. The idea was popularized by author Ron Chapman, who created five love language categories: acts of service, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, and words of affirmation. Knowing your partner's love language will give you a better idea of what they need and expect from a relationship. In combination with regular, honest talks, knowing each other's love language can ensure everyone's needs are being met.
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